I didn't realize the ironic timing of my appointment this morning until I walked into the clinic. I was going in to visit with a shoulder specialist for my rotator cuff. But as soon as I walked in, it hit me very hard. It was exactly seventeen years on a Tuesday to the very hour that I was there in that room. It hasn't changed one bit. I was terrified then and for a very good reason.
As most of you know, our little preemie Amara Kay was born in the hospital that evening after valiant efforts to keep her inside me for at least another week. For three days, she fought for life but life was too much for her little body.
Someone wrote recently that not a day goes by that they don't think of the baby they lost. I'm not sure I can honestly say that. Some days I don't believe I think about her at all. And some days I think about her a lot and waves of sorrow wash over me. I'm very ok with that because I'm the mother of that little soul and I often wonder who she would have been, what she would have looked like, and what would her choices be in life?
As I sat there in the waiting room, I began thinking of all the reasons I'm thankful for Amara and for the heart-rending experience it was to have a baby born and die too soon.
* I learned the true character of the Chairman. He was and is an attentive father, a loving husband, and a praying man.
* I learned that really, we are not in control of our own lives. And we can be thankful for the One that is.
* I learned the true meaning of leaning on the support of family and friends.
* I learned how to desperately ask for help in a Spiritual way.
* And finally, if it weren't for the experience of her birth and death, there would be no way that the MYP would be in our home. There was a much bigger picture. I only saw one little corner of it. The picture continues to be painted and we just stand back in awe and watch it all unfold.
I share this not for sympathy. We are past that point really. These days we just reflect in how things fell into place then and how we are incredibly thankful and grateful now for realizing we are just part of a much greater plan.
"Looking back the long years over... He hath blessed us hitherto."
Always good to read your perspective...love the we can each add to another's life through our own experiences. I can only imagine the feelings that came over you walking into that office. I'm thankful for your corner of the world and that you share some of it with us.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful name you gave your baby daughter!!
ReplyDeleteI think the last line of your post says it best! Love to think of that hymn, looking back on life, and even for present experiences. Thanks for sharing your heart with us...encourages us.
ReplyDeleteBittersweet to read this, and yet as you said, had it not happened you would not have begun your journey to your MYP. It's so good to be reminded about seeing only a little corner of the picture. Thanks for writing this! Another thing you've learned though, that you didn't mention is how to be a rock of support to others who are going through losses! It's something that God uses you for later, because then you can really truly understand and support in a special way!
ReplyDeleteBittersweet to read this, and yet as you said, had it not happened you would not have begun your journey to your MYP. It's so good to be reminded about seeing only a little corner of the picture. Thanks for writing this! Another thing you've learned though, that you didn't mention is how to be a rock of support to others who are going through losses! It's something that God uses you for later, because then you can really truly understand and support in a special way!
ReplyDelete