"As long as I'm living my baby you'll be"

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

as long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be.

Most of you parents know those lines.  They are quoted from a Robert Munsch book titled "Love you Forever".  Mr. Munsch made up the words after he and his wife lost two babies at birth.  They have been going through my mind this morning.

Today she would be eighteen.  Our forever baby.  Amara Kay that will forever be three days old.  

She would be a senior in high school.  She would be making choices for post-high school life.  She would be driving.  She would probably have a job.  She would be the oldest child in our family.  She would have a wide circle of friends and family that would love her.  But she will forever be three days old. 

This morning, waves of sorrow rolled over me.  Deep sadness because she is not here.  I really do not know this tiny baby that was ours.  The only memories we made together were her precious movements within before birth and in a NICU with bright lights and machines that buzzed and beeped.  The most precious and devastating memory was spending the last two hours of her life in a small room - just our little baby, her daddy and me.  We took turns holding her until her last breath came.  Then they quietly said she was gone from our arms to our Father's.   Our baby.  Forever three days old.

As her mother, I wish I could have done so many things with her that mothers do.  In the busyness of life I sometimes wish I could have combed her hair.  I wish I could have watched her daddy read "Brown Bear" to her.  I wish I could have watched her sing at a school concert.  I wish I could have put a band-aid on her knee.  I wish I could have watched her grow up.  But we won't.  Because she is forever three days old.  

However, she changed me in ways she wouldn't have otherwise.  I have learned so much from our little baby.  I have learned to not fear death because someone I love has gone there before.  I have learned what being in a depth of need does to a person.  I have come to deeply appreciate friends and family that stood by us in our moments of grief and have hopefully learned to do the same.  I have learned to value life and the children we have been given.  And I've learned that it is alright to let sorrow wash over me because she will always be forever three days old.  

I share this not because I'm looking for sympathy.  Our little one is safely on the other side.  Our lives have been rich and wonderful.  The children that came to be in our family are gifts. And the daddy that she left behind has been a rock of stability to me.  We are richly blessed.

As long as I'm living, I'll always have a bittersweet feeling for October 22.  It is a perfect day to pause and reflect and then count our blessings one by one.  

Happy Birthday to our dear Amara.  It has been eighteen years since we last held you.  And as long as I'm living, my 3-day old baby you'll be.